When I decided to leave my job and go travel, I though that main purpose of this trip is to learn new things, see the world, and find what I want to do. I was a little scared that all this free time would make me a lazy bum that will forget how to think. I am a procrastinator at nature, so my fears would not be without reasons.
So I thought to myself that this would be a great opportunity to take some of those challenging classes at college I didn’t dare to take while I was working (less I’d pass out somewhere on a highway which “almost” happened before). Surprised to be so happy about it (with glitter and stars coming out of my eyes and other places), I signed up for 2 classes – critical thinking and creative writing. Yup, those I call challenging. Well my choice was also limited by having to take them online.
It would be fun! – I thought.
I’ll learn so much! – I thought.
I’ll have all the time in the world! – I thought.
Until I was buried in homework somewhere in the center of Ubud, with my days revolving around finding a cafe to study and spending hours reading and doing homework. Every. Day.
You’d probably laugh – I’m not working. I’m just traveling. What could possibly be difficult about it? Well, study and travel comes with it’s own challenges. I mean even aside from managing deadlines, homework and TIMEZONES while being constantly on the move, there are small things that I didn’t anticipate caring about. For example, I can’t print stuff out. Sounds small, but it is irritating and adds complexity. I can’t have much of office supplies either and (in addition to my own weight) I have to watch the weight of my bag. I need to be more organized with my deadlines. I need to be more organized with my flights and move-in-and-out dates. I need to distribute my study-load properly. There are just so many “needs” now.
I wanted to ran away from my comfort zone partially to set myself free from some of my bad habits (like micromanaging and planning too much, contemplating too far in the future, etc.). Oh I am out of my comfort zone, but the habits are here to stay.
And the main problem here is that I’m not seeing anything, I’m not getting out much. Every day after studying I try to do something fun, but I’m usually mentally tired after studying. There are only 2 classes I’m taking, but they take SO MUCH TIME. People manage to work and take other classes in addition to these, and probably even take care of their kids. I’m sure I’m doing something wrong.
I thought about it for a bit and decided to switch gears. I want to have my day revolve around adventure – seeing caves/libraries/weird places/whatever my heart desires, instead of letting my studies control me. And somewhere in the middle of all of that – when I have a break or some spare time – I’ll do what I can for my classes.
I think my problem is that I’m trying too hard. I want to do everything perfectly so much that I’m loosing the sight of what is important to me. Well, I’m not completely sure what’s important to me, but if my purpose in life would be given to me on a silver platter, I would not see it over all the books and deadlines.
Maybe one of the lessons that I need to learn is that there is no need to be so serious about stuff. There is no time for that. You can’t possibly find time to get all the lessons right, just like there is not enough time to commit to 200 hobbies at once. With all the time in the world you can’t be perfect. And most of all, you can’t really re-live the life that you’ve wasted chasing all those things.
Out of all the things that there is not enough time to do, I feel like I want to be with the people I love and try to understand the world while looking at it with my raw imperfect perspective. Sure, there is not enough time to do those two things, but I want to get as close as I can. And who knows, maybe I’ll find a hint of purpose in this.
I feel like a kid that’s discovering very simple and obvious truths..
Chasing Phantom 
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