Why I quit my job and left

A month ago I was a Software Engineer in Silicon Valley, California. I’ve been working on my career for 7 years now and have been happy with the results so far.

I’ve been living in a rented house with my dad (who happened to work in the same industry as me and even in the same company I once worked for!). Me and dad are like best friends. We have been doing a lot of stuff together – from camping and traveling to watching movies on Friday evenings. We’ve created our own little world filled with lots of jokes, TV shows, hours-long conversations and simply happiness. The relationship that I have with my dad has been warming my heart for years and propelling me to be better, to care for others, and to find myself.

I’ve never been rich. Sure, working as a Software Engineer in Bay Area is rewarding, but it does not let me buy a house or a personal plane or anything like that (not that I’d want that anyway). I could live comfortably though. I didn’t need to count money when buying groceries, like I used to in Ukraine. I also could afford a car. But my favorite part was that I could afford hobbies. Hobbies – plural. I’ve been trying all kinds of things – from bouldering, playing soccer, sewing, making robots to paining, making my own chess board and chess pieces and so much more! I loved it! I could be whoever I wanted to be and try (almost) whatever I wanted. This way I have discovered one of my greatest passions in life – learning. But there was a disturbing sign in my hobby-hopping. It was on the edge of being unhealthy. It was a sign of the inner issue that I was yet to discover, and that eventually lead me to quit everything and leave.

One of the things that has been bothering me is related to my family. As you might have heard, Ukraine has been having some turbulence on the border with Russia lately (for the past 6 years or so). This war (not everyone might agree with me on this word) has taken lives of many thousands already (click), which tears my heart. No conflict is worth even one life. Many of my friends and my family had to run away and find their new homes all around the world.

When I was leaving Ukraine I didn’t think I’d not be able to come back. In fact, the airport I flew out of was completely destroyed (click). I’ve had a hard time accepting the fact that I can’t go back to the house I grew up in and reconnect with my childhood memories like the streets I grew up on or secret stashes me and my sister kept at home, drawings, diaries, and everything else that filled my life for 17 years I’ve lived there. I have to accept the possibility that when the war is over and I go back – nothing will be left from those memories. But you know what, I’ve been the luckiest person in the world, for this war has not claimed anyone from my family. And above all of it, life has given me a chance to have my dad near and it let us make this new life together. If the price to that would be giving up my childhood memories – I’d give up a thousand of those without a doubt.

I was truly happy when my family found their new home in Israel and were able to settle. I was ecstatic when I finally visited them for a few days. And I was crushed on the day after that, taking in the fact that I won’t see them for another year until I get more vacation time. The worst thought for some reason was that they will move on with their lives and me and dad will continue with ours.

This was one of the issues that nagged at me since then. I wanted a chance to be able to see them more often than 10 days a year. I wanted a chance to be a part of their lives and see them grow and grow together with them. But I also didn’t want to just leave everything (including dad). It felt wrong for some reason. It felt as if by giving up my life here to be with them, I’d give up on my dreams and ambitions. And especially that would mean that I want to be with them more than I want to be with dad. How could I possibly make that choice? And that’s what I was left with on the flight back after seeing them. And I was stuck with this dilemma. Eventually I found my own solution – I chose neither. I thought that the war and all the things that separated us a little bit too early has made me crave to be with them so much that it blinded me to everything else in life. So I realized that I need to learn to let go, I need to become stronger. And what is the better way to do that than to leave and be on the move for a while?

There was also this thing inside me that kept screaming that I’m in the wrong place and doing the wrong thing. That I need to find something, that I’m not ready to live my life here and I need to do something right now because the time is running out. That’s what I called chasing the phantom – leaving all the stability and security to go after something, even though I have no idea what it is.

Another thing that’s been nagging at me was related to my job. I had no idea if this is my thing, if I’m really enjoying what I’m doing. I have been doing this stuff since I was 16. I didn’t have a chance to try different things and discover what I want to do in life. This career choice was based off of my love for logic and puzzles, but sadly it was also based on all the complexes I had as a girl trying to prove my worth to everyone. Fast forward, 5 years into my career I’ve stopped enjoying what I did. Something was wrong. Changing companies didn’t help, changing tasks didn’t help, and just persisting made it even worse. I didn’t know if my sudden lack of interest was related to me missing my family, or maybe this phantom I needed to chase, or me actually not liking the job. Whatever it was, it blocked me from enjoying what I did and drained my inspiration until I wasn’t even able to continue any of my hobbies. I needed to do something about it and I had no idea what.

Despite everything, it was scary to even think about leaving everything behind: quitting my job, leaving my friends, selling everything I own. But at the same time it felt right. It felt like one of those difficult choices life throws at you, where you have to pick between an easy choice that feels wrong, and a scary huge monster choice that resonates with you. And nobody can help you with this – its your life and your decision. Good thing that my dad saw my longing and supported me in my decision more than I could have hoped for.

I had an opportunity to keep my job and work remotely. Or to keep a “ticket” back to my company. But I didn’t want it. It would be against what I’m trying to do here. I’m trying to stop clutching onto things. I want to let go and see where I end up. Me letting go of the stability of well-paying job and established life is a symbol of being free and giving up the attachments that keep me tied up. It is also a form of paying forward. You cannot gain anything until you’ve given something up. And I hope this payment will help me set myself free enough to see new things and learn this world in new ways. Hopefully meeting amazing people, hearing new stories, understanding this life and its ways just a little better.

I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I’ve become a little happier now. A little more free. A little more chaotic in my own personal way. A little closer to my center. A little more me. And I can’t wait to see me evolve.

Please don’t hesitate to say hi to me if you ever feel like it. I’d love to hear your story and learn from you. I think we can all benefit from opening up and sharing, as the world is more accepting and comforting than we sometimes fear. After all, we are what we give. I want to inspire you to be who you want to be and do what you want to do. I want to give you a piece of my crazy and hopefully make you smile. Even just for a moment.